0218
L:
為甚麼我好像總是活在過去似的?我好像還是沒有甚麼想說的,只是有一種很熟悉的感覺,就是覺得一切事情都來得不對時候。就像當時覺得自己遲來了兩年,現在覺得我早年了兩年,但又覺得自己真正所處於的時候無法取代。或者到頭來唯一不對勁的,只是我的後知後覺。沒有甚麼好可惜的,希望自己能學會活在當下
0229
verba volant, scripta manent
0218
L:
為甚麼我好像總是活在過去似的?我好像還是沒有甚麼想說的,只是有一種很熟悉的感覺,就是覺得一切事情都來得不對時候。就像當時覺得自己遲來了兩年,現在覺得我早年了兩年,但又覺得自己真正所處於的時候無法取代。或者到頭來唯一不對勁的,只是我的後知後覺。沒有甚麼好可惜的,希望自己能學會活在當下
0229
L:
0201
現在的我已幾乎是根疲力盡的了,無法慢慢寫下這兩天來的感受。但還是想回來提醒一下自己,明晚要再寫一個網址好好消化這一切。
今天天氣轉涼了,秋意濃(雖然覺得還會再轉熱一次)。昨晚回來大學的宿舍,是畢業三年多以來的第一次,屈指一算,離開的日子已經比當初住的日子還要久了,我在那裡最後一年的新生,現在都五年級了!這次回去完全是意料之外的事,昨夜本來已很累,但收到突如其來的邀情,還是無法拒絕。
太累了!每天會接受一個訪問,回來時一併消化一次這個週末發生的事情吧。
0207
0143
S:
以下的話不知該向誰傾訴,竟然想起你。應該很多年沒在這網誌提起你了,哈哈。
近來比較早睡,想建立更好的生理時鐘,今晚算是很晚睡了。原本晚上11時想喝罐啤酒催眠就睡,結果母親在家,處理他的嘮叨不當,結果被說教了接近一小時。事後心情不對勁,啤酒喝得很慢,喝完又無睡意。
其實我今早就想今晚打blog,這意外恰好讓此事成真(不然我該在12時就睡了)。今早做了一個夢,夢見一位舊朋友。不經不覺,跟他已經吵架一年多了,以前從沒想過人生會失去他。先說說那個夢,有點複雜:不知何故,我和他一起出席了一群人的聚會,那些人都是我的大學朋友,與他無干,但夢裡他就如此一起理所當然地出現了。我們站在一起,發生了一件非常夢幻的事——我們都放下了身段,我沒有脾氣,他沒有出於自我保護的冰冷,開始聊起近況來。整群人都在餐廳外,人很多,要排隊等位,於是我們單獨走到一個角落,互相交侍近況。說着說着,其它朋友已經走了,他們在電話跟我們說餐廳太多人,已截龍,這頓飯吃不成,他們都先走了。這時我跟他竟變得像剛剛想認識的對象,我彷彿要鼓氣勇氣提出約會地問他,我們要不要兩個人一起去吃,他竟然說好。這真是個美妙的夢。後來還有的,這夢漸漸變成了惡夢,最後演變成典型要趕時間但跑不動的惡夢,不值在此一提。
現在他大概已經在過比我安穩得多的新生活,我不覺得他會常想起我,至少不及我多。我甚至覺得有可能他根本不會想起我,除了一些特別日子(例如我生日)想起一下以外。他也像是這種人。但造了這個夢,明白了一點:即使已不關心、不會想起一個人,但仍無法避免,總有一晚會非自願地夢見那人。早上想到這點,竟給我帶來了一點慰藉。我是想他會記起我的。現在我也能坦白,我真希望沒跟他鬧翻,我很想跟他和好。「念念不忘,必有迴響」這句話至今在我身上也算準確,但願會再次應驗在我們身上。
從醒來起,就在想今天想找個時間好好沉澱,想想這個夢。結果今天又是時間安排失當的一天,整天閒着沒做事,但就是安定不下來去好好地想。近來有點焦慮。
還是在讀維根斯坦,現在說這些話已經令我有點不自在了。
0206
2259
上次說feel like blogging一個多月都沒回來,那是因為我開始了新的創作方式,那個創作以類日記體寫作,跟Blogging的功能和時間都重疊了。我在那些創作壓抑了我的情緒,也刻意讓自己寫多點其它的,因為想讓自己成為更聰明的人。
今天打風,有點無所事事。白天做了一點點工作,大部時間都在休息和午睡。晚上帶了聖經到樓下的摩斯漢堡,讀畢了《以斯帖書》和《約拿書》,在超市買了點啤酒和零食回家,才十點多。颱風的日子如此寧靜,讓人想放鬆一下。我也暫時放下了創作回了片刻,願會看這網誌的人安好。
最後分享一件有趣的小事。昨天早上發了個怪夢:電話突然收到訊息,是一個數年沒見面的大學朋友。她發了兩個訊息給我,分別是「分咗手」和「想同你做愛106次」。女友在我身邊,我嚇得馬上收起電話。醒來後,在Instagram看見她宣布答應男友的求婚。真是有趣的巧合。
她比我大一年,(好像)算是首個跟我同輩結婚的朋友。我在剛上大學的11月跟她相識,當時誤打誤撞要當碩博畢業典禮的招待,無事可做時剛好站在彼此身旁,便閒聊起來。還記得我們沒說幾句,她就突然說她的西裝裙太窄,拉高了裙叫我「睇下」。典禮結束後她提議一起吃午飯,我因太緊張和社交疲勞,便編了個要回宿舍的藉口婉拒。我們一起到med can買外賣後分別,那次是我第一次光顧med can,那飯堂現在都已經結業了。
後來我們一直在電話保持聯絡。那時我喜歡Snoopy,她也喜歡,每當有Snoopy相關的展覽或品牌合作,她就會轉發給我。我們也一起去過兩次,又在學校見過數次,那時我喜歡條紋衣服,每次見面她也會一起穿條紋。其實我們不算很投契,但總還有一、兩件事想向對方分享。可惜整個大學的首個學期都在失戀狀態,對甚麼都沒有感覺。早陣子看了也斯的〈後殖民食神的愛情故事〉,故事裡敘事者跟食神同住了一段時間,不知為何,那段情節讓我想起和她相處的日子。
其後的夏天,她就跟失散多年的小學同學在一起了,據說他們「小學時已經撲朔迷離」。他們似乎一直都過得很好,現在終於快要結婚,真的替她感到高興。
p:
Finding the right words is so important. Finding the right words is so fun. Finding the right words is so difficult. I am losing track of time. I am not sure of what that means. Many things feel timeless because it is in the distant past. No one misses the 2000s. At least no one misses it like I do. I am living in the past. What does the present continuous tense mean in this sentence supposed to mean?
Finding the right things to talk about is important. Finding the right things to talk about feels satisfying. Finding the right things to talk about is so difficult. I can't find the right words, not even the right the topic. I find my feelings so unintelligible. They don't make any sense once I tried to covey them. At least they no longer feel special, even to myself. Sometimes I just want to become a hermit.
Had a dream of you last morning. That was the most 'realistic dream' I had ever had. It was also the least fragmented one. And it completely reflected all my (wants? desire? Wish? I can't find the right word). You somehow were in the UK. I came to your house, which was kind of big. We were on the bed like how we were in that hotel in North Point. You suddenly sat on my lap while I was lying and with my blankets. You told me not to say anything and everything was fine. I knew it was about the things between us. We hugged and necked like how we were at your dorm in uni. It felt so comfortable. There was nothing sexual in it. It felt like returning to childhood and you hug and kiss with your cousins (or brother and sister if I had one). No "relationships" and sex partners can replace that. I said sorry. You said something like no need/no problem. Then we went out for a walk. It was in the UK. The sky was grey like in Scotland but it feels like the morning. We walked on the street-on-a-bridge for quite a long time in our pyjamas. So long that I suggested to return along the same way we came. You said ok. Fo the first time I felt dreamy, the way return was so short. I woke right before we entered your house again. I was beside of my girlfriend when I woke. Didn't feel guilty because there was nothing romantic and sexual in the dream. But the happiest dream made me feel so gloomy.最美好的事。
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陳奕迅 - 不要說話
When out with M today. Long time no see, like 1.5 years. She recommended me this song, and I am listening to it all this time I write this blog post. The song was published in 2008. It makes me feel nostalgic. Very nice meeting with M. Had lunch and coffee and walked around in TST. Met her friend she's been mentioning since 2015.
Too bad that I'm too exhausted to continue. Feeling like blogging recently. Let's see will I return tmr night or soon.
0302
0238
L:
Everything feels wrong to me recently. Don't feel like I'm on the right track. Mainly for three reasons. The magazine is not making good progress, though there will be huge breakthroughs in the next issue. So I think it's alright to take some time. Second, I'm not sure if I am that interested in what I'm doing. Magazine is fine but I meant literature and philosophy, i.e. writing books. I see my ex doing her creative works all the time. I read self-taught philosophers and writers who completed good works using the night time after exhausting full-time job. I do not have their passion. I surely not as motivated as them. The fact that I haven't written, drawn or created anything might be simply because I do not love it enough. But what strikes me the most is the third. It is obvious that people around me are not as 'good' as those I used to stick with. I've lost all my intellectual companions, at least we do not contact as much as we used to. No valuable feedbacks and no constructive interactions. This tires me much more than work and the lack of money. I do not enjoy tutoring people at all. Talking is so tiring in the first place. And I don't think I'm good enough to teach anyone too. More and more I dislike the weekly meeting of the magazine. It's so exhausting. L, I'm at the age you met us. I wonder how you felt at that time.
W
0250